Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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