It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Couch. On fire.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
