I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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