Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
