On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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