roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
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how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
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I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.