Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
I hate when you're right.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.