I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse