Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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