I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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