Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
