FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
