I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
