Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
