Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
