Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Maybe he injected his testicle?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
