Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
All I want is dick and wine.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
