dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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