his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
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Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
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First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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