matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
