Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
