six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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