Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
