JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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