Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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