genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
This beer is not sobering me up at all
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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