I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
