Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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