Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
you told grandpa to call you daddy
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
There's always time for handjobs
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
