I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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