We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
