ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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