When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
