Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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