If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
