Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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