She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
