God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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