you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
