Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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