i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
