Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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