I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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