I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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