I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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