He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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