Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
