i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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