There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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