My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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