i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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