My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
