just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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