Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
