really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
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