What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
