Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
