dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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