Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
