why didn't you poke me back
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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