I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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