Swine flu. Run for my life!
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
